A Hot Girl's Guide to First Dates
This is not satire. Unfortunately.
There is no situation in life more awkward than the first date.
For me, it is akin to running naked onto the street with a sign saying ‘rate my tits out of ten’ or doing an over the phone therapy session with an NHS counsellor. It’s just as vulnerable and twice as embarrassing and you both know it but for some reason you have to act really casual about it.
My experience with first dates started last year, after an unfortunate incident (getting dumped by the man I thought I was going to marry) and I found myself with the same curiosity for dating that Columbus had for land already owned by other people. As a newly single girl in Manchester with one year left of her university life, I approached dating like an intrepid explorer. Armed with Hinge, a recently broken heart, and the enthusiastic support of my friends, I ventured into the rocky seas of first dates.
Pre-date prep
If you drink, drink. When planning the setting for your first date you should absolutely go to where the alcohol is. Aperol spritz is your felix felicis and you are Harry Potter. Drinking gives you something to do, something to talk about and allows you to be just the right amount of delusional. If you don’t drink, that is unfortunate and I cannot help you with that.
Tell all your friends. Tell the group chat all the details so that if it goes tits up and you need to recount the traumatic events to someone, you won’t have to start from the beginning and give a load of context. In fact, treat the whole date like you’re a hungry New York journalist trying to uncover a juicy celebrity scandal. In short, do it for the plot.
If your date is a man, never get dressed with his opinions in mind. In fact, wear something strange and slightly off-putting so he knows what he’s dealing with. With dates in general, I think wearing something kind of unique is a fun way of litmus testing your date’s capacity for fun.
Mid-date moves
As mentioned before, get a drink in your hand and down your throat as soon as physically possible. That way, you’ll find it WAY easier to overshare things like childhood trauma and how your last ten dates have been so awful you don’t think you believe in the concept of love anymore.
Don’t overshare the things I just mentioned. In fact, try not to overshare at all. If, like me, you struggle to know the difference between normal sharing and over sharing, I’ll give you some topics to steer clear of. Things your therapist has said, your ex, your exes new girlfriend, the number of STI tests you’ve done, the crush you have on your co-worker, bereaved family members, your complicated relationship with your mother.
I say this with a strong awareness and acknowledgment of female sexuality, empowerment and autonomy- DO NOT SLEEP WITH THEM ON THE FIRST DATE. And I’ll tell you now, it’s not even about the sex, it’s about those goddam post-sex forehead kisses. Don’t do it guys, save yourselves while you still have time
Post-date process
In the days following your date, you may feel intense urges to stalk their social media and turn into a bit of a virtual Joe from You. But don’t do that. Don’t linger over their Snap Maps for so long that your screen time triples and you inadvertently memorise their location. Don’t over-analyse every message you get from them, I promise the emojis they use are not a secret code. Don’t find their mum’s Facebook and look at their pictures from their first day of high school. Maybe just turn your phone off.
Well done, you survived your glorified sex interview! Now it’s time to organise a second date and go through pretty much the same thing all over again except this time you’ll probably be at their house trying to resist the oh so appealing activity of Netflix and Chill. Good luck babes!
I'm saving this one for later <3